5/23/25

I know you are lost. 

I know there is so much turmoil inside of you. 

I know you still haven't forgiven yourself. 

Sometimes I just feel so filthy, like I'm full of shit. And in those times, it's so much easier to imagine just letting go of everything, giving up on life. 

Speaking through a dense fog of depression isn't easy. Your mind feels incapacitated and slow. Your heart keeps pounding as if you're about to be killed. Your senses stand up, alert to every little signal. Even a little prickle, a scratch, reverberates pain and deep anger all over your body. 

I feel so many unhealed scars, tender from having been constantly poked and punched at for so long. Every step you take, every word you put out takes so much effort and willpower.

It all seems so pointless, so painful, so burdensome. 

You wonder when you'll be free of this awful feeling. Tears rim your eyes. No one around you seems to know how to heal you. The path to recovery seems grueling and never-ending. 

As you try to rise up to find hope again, a broken record of memories, unforgiven failures, and an obsession with your past rain down all over again. 

"I don't know" becomes the phrase of the day. It's a mask thrown over the messy ball of thoughts and feelings waiting to be untangled, so that you can ignore it and run away from it for a while. But then the emotional storm comes again and brings back all the pain that made you want to turn away from it. 

How do I free myself of my own mind? How do I step out of the shadow cast by the relentless shame? I feel so exhausted but don't know how to keep my thoughts from racing.