Next Step

What does it mean to let go of myself?  Last night I watched this video by a person I've never seen before: https://youtu.be/_FTGZ5V4AWY?si=AP7KH5ZyuUHQrYSY.  What I took away from the video:  You need... To be comfortable with changing.  To no longer be obsessed with holding onto your past, reliving past moments as if they were the present.  To let yourself go.  To let yourself change.  As I watched the video, I had an inkling of what I need to do next for my depression:  I need to be okay with myself changing.  I need to hold myself with gentleness even as I stumble.  I need to accept myself and embrace myself no matter what choices I end up making, whatever consequence that brings. Because the fear of a change in my identity (as smart, efficient, special, and simply perfect) has been seeding this deep aversion to change, this clinging to an idealized image of my past self. It is ok if I get a B in my classes.  It is ok if I ...

Some things I haven't forgiven myself for:  for not being born pretty  for going on a harsh diet, stunting my height in middle school  for not being smart for having parents who I am ashamed of for not being charming enough to attract other people for not knowing how to juggle multiple commitment, for never being persistent and consistent  for not getting into MIT or Stanford  for not being able to express myself fully to others, or to stand up for myself  for being so inefficient, unable to get things done quickly and effectively for being a bad team member, never pleasnt to work with for being so fickle, suddenly passionate in one moment but then coldly detached in the next  for not having achieved anything real despite the amount of effort I put in for not being attractive to other boys/guys for not being good at talking or public speaking for not having coherent, organized thoughts for not being able to think quickly, which held me back from partic...

I know you are lost.  I know there is so much turmoil inside of you.  I know you still haven't forgiven yourself.  Sometimes I just feel so filthy, like I'm full of shit. And in those times, it's so much easier to imagine just letting go of everything, giving up on life.  Speaking through a dense fog of depression isn't easy. Your mind feels incapacitated and slow. Your heart keeps pounding as if you're about to be killed. Your senses stand up, alert to every little signal. Even a little prickle, a scratch, reverberates pain and deep anger all over your body.  I feel so many unhealed scars, tender from having been constantly poked and punched at for so long. Every step you take, every word you put out takes so much effort and willpower. It all seems so pointless, so painful, so burdensome.  You wonder when you'll be free of this awful feeling. Tears rim your eyes. No one around you seems to know how to heal you. The path to recovery seems grueling and never...